Successful Families Patterns

The importance of strong families and the impact they have on the quality of life in communities and the nation are becoming more obvious every day. The home sets up a pattern that spills over into all other aspects of our society.

There are things you can do to help strengthen your family and to help promote the personal growth of each family member.

Dr. Nick Stinnet, expert in family life who retired from the University of Nebraska, identified characteristics of successful families in his Family Strengths Research Project. The patterns found to be important included mutual appreciation, quality time, effective communication, commitment, and religious orientation.

Appreciation

Strong families appreciate the uniqueness and contributions of each family member--expressing feelings of appreciation in words and actions. Family members tell each other they are special. In the hurry of daily responsibilities, we often forget the importance of letting people know how much they are appreciated. It's so easy to take each other for granted, especially in families.

A teen sharing what she liked most about her parents said, "I like it when they do something special just for me. It's not my birthday or a special occasion but a time when it's unexpected. It's really a surprise and makes me feel so special." The need to be appreciated is a basic human need.

Think of what you can do to express appreciation for each member of your family. A special note or letter is one approach. A "date" with your son, daughter, or spouse also sends, in a special way, the message that you care.

A gift "selected to match" a loved one is another way to say "You're special." Remember, "It's not the biggest things with all their pomp and show, it's the little special things you do that help people grow."

Quality Time

Strong families spend a lot of positive time together in work and play and enjoy being together.

Activity overload is a major family challenge of our day. There are so many things to do and so little time to do them all.

Dr. Stinnett reported: "Our study found that strong families intentionally cut down on the number of outside activities and involvements in order to minimize fragmentation of their family life."

Special time with the family or family members doesn't come easily. You must take the time or you can end up with only leftover time--a time you are tired, irritable, cranky, or exhausted. You need to schedule time for your family when you are fresh and have something positive to share. The ability to enjoy your family, with humor and playfulness, comes more easily to some than to others. Some parents find it hard to leave a carpet unvacuumed or a messy desk at the office in order to relax and enjoy each other or their children. They feel it blackens their characters not to be above reproach at the office or not being a perfect housekeeper.

Yet, time taken to spend happily with your family pays much bigger dividends than housekeeping tasks. The desk and the carpet will be cluttered many more times but the moments to enjoy your family are never the same again.

In our hectic paces of living, it is so easy to put things off and to say that one of these days we will do it. And it never happens. One of these days often means none of these days.

If you want to build a stronger family unit, you must take some quality time when you have the energy, the inner peace, and the patience to give your best. You need to incorporate into busy schedules special times to share fun, special, and uplifting kinds of activities.

Effective Communication

"The greatest gift I can receive from anyone is to be seen by them, to be heard by them, to be understood by them, and to be touched by them." This quote by Virginia Satir expresses the keys to good communications in families.

How wonderful it is to have someone see your side of things and to really understand how you feel. However, if we're not careful the needs and pressures of the moment often block this type of understanding.

"He Looked Beyond My Faults and Saw My Needs" is a song that contains an important key for improving communications and strengthening relationships. Families that are strong have developed an ability to look beyond each others' faults and to see their needs. Family members don't do this every time, but they consistently put forth an effort to hear what the person is saying and feeling.

Strong families have quarrels and don't always agree, but they have the confidence to get things out into the open and to talk about them. Solutions that consider each person's needs are discussed and, hopefully, implemented.

Providing opportunities for all family members to share their concerns is important. A good practice is a family council, scheduled regularly, where individual and family concerns are shared with an open discussion of issues and possible solutions.

Touch is an important aspect of communications in families. A hug or squeeze, an embrace, a touch of the hand can communicate in many ways when words seem empty.

The next time things get tense and everyone is trying to speak simultaneously, pause for a moment. Try to put yourself in the other person's place and hear what is being said and try to experience what the other is feeling. Realization that someone understands and cares eases a lot of tension and goes a long way in building strong families.

Commitment

Commitment is a positive quality that constantly appears in strong families. They share the kinds of experiences that make the family more attractive than other groups. Strong families are committed to helping and promoting the happiness of each other.

Commitment also comes from an active involvement in setting family goals. Each person has a chance to share what he/she thinks is important. This kind of involvement brings with it a commitment to see that the goals are met.

Teenagers are more willing to go along with a family vacation if they have some say on where and what is planned. This holds true in other areas. You need to take the time to make an effort to get input from each member of the family involved in a planned trip. When you do this, you are saying "You are important and what you have to say counts." This process takes time and some flexibility but the benefits are worth the efforts. Commitment is a vital factor in developing a sense of unity among family members.

Religious Orientation

The families in Dr. Stinnett's study share a high degree of religious orientation. In addition to attending church as a family, they often pray together and read the Bible and other inspirational books. They share a set of common values.

In their daily activities, they apply the Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." They share the belief that there is a Supreme Being that is a guiding force.

Families that have developed these five characteristics discussed are better able to meet the challenges of today. The unity they have developed makes it possible for them to draw upon the resources of each other as they are needed. They become a strength to one another.

To read this entire article go to the following link: http://www.thefunplace.com/guild/strength.html

Spending Time Together

Time is one of the most valuable quantities that we have, so we should use it wisely with the ones that we love. You don't need to spend tons of money to show your family that you love them. They will know by the way you treat them and the time that you spend with them.

Here are some inexpensive activities that you could do with your family;
1. Go for a walk
2. Go to a museum
3. Listen to live music or a lecture at a book store
4. Attend the local high school's musical
5. Fly a kite
6. Have a picnic
7. Go to the playground
8. Go to the library and pick a book on an activity that your children are interested in and do it together
9. Crafts
10. Play charades
11. Play a board game
12. Get a movie from the library and watch it together

Building Reservoirs

I believe there is nothing more important than your relationships with your family in this life. The more you value something/some one the more time you will spend with it/them. So if you value your family show them by spending time with them. Build a reservoir of memories for them and you. Give your family a legacy---spend the weekend with them doing something they like to do. Plan family vacations, take trips, go to the park, take walks...just spend time with them.

The most valuable quantity is time so where are you using yours?

Important Lord's Work

The most important of the Lord’s work you and I will ever do will be within the walls of our own homes.
President Harold B. Lee

Reasoning with Children

31106, Family Home Evening Resource Book, Building a Strong Family, Reasoning with Children, 244

Observe what happens when a father reasons with children—even when they aren't his own:

John's Concern

Two days before John was to return to his military assignment, a construction crew began digging a large hole in the empty lot north of his home. By the end of the day, a fifteen-foot hole lay ready for cement forms to be placed. Within minutes after the crew left, neighborhood children swarmed on the "diggings." Teenagers were running, and smaller children were climbing, as well as some preschool boys playing with a toy wheelbarrow. Among those little ones was John's four-year-old son, Jason. They were trying to dump a little gravel from the wheelbarrow into the large hole, but the earth beneath their feet was crumbling. Seeing this, John raced out on his balcony and yelled, "Get off that lot, you kids! What do you think you are doing?" The children all scattered, and John went down to bring the little ones away from the hole and into his backyard.

Within minutes after he returned to his house, John saw all the children swarming over the lot and dirt pile again. His little boy's friends were there. "A lot of good my yelling did," thought John. "Maybe I could reason with them so they see the danger in playing there." John walked outside and beckoned to the older children on the dirt pile. Some of the older ones hesitated, but John encouraged them with a wave of his hand. "Listen," he said. "I was kind of nutty to yell at all of you a minute ago. I guess in one way it is none of my business where you kids play. But my concern is that the little ones see you over here and they come over. If you fall, maybe you will break an arm or get bruised, but I'm worried about what might happen to the little ones if they fall. What happens if a lot of that dirt caves in on them? If you play on the hills, they play on the hills. Do you see any way we can work together to protect them?"

What is the difference between John's first approach and his second?

What was he teaching?

What do you predict will be the teenagers' response?

In the actual situation, the teenagers began policing the lot, kept the little children away, and even avoided the construction site themselves.

Do you reason with your children? or do you command them? Read the comparisons to help you evaluate whether your children understand why they should be obedient or if they are merely learning that you use power over them.

Reasoning	Commands and Demands
1. Are you teaching a principle?	1. Are you issuing orders?
2. Are you reasoning sensibly and calmly?	2. Are you blaming and accusing?
3. Are you exploring consequences?	3. Are you making decisions single-handedly?
4. Are you identifying wise alternatives?	4. Are you allowing only one possibility?
5. Are you sharing necessary information?	5. Are you demanding blind obedience?
6. Are you listening?	6. Are you doing all the talking?

It is important to remember that reasoning involves persuasion, long-suffering, and love unfeigned (see D&C 121:4146).

To read the entire article and get more helpful information go to the following link
http://www.lds.org/hf/library/0,16866,4256-1,00.html?LibraryURL=/Curriculum/home%20and%20family.htm/family%20home%20evening%20resource%20book.htm/building%20a%20strong%20family.htm/reasoning%20with%20children.htm

Perserving the Family

President Spencer W. Kimball, the 12th President of the Church:
“Many of the social restraints which in the past have helped to reinforce and to shore up the family are dissolving and disappearing. The time will come when only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1980, 3; or Ensign, Nov. 1980, 4).

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles:
“If you build your homes on the foundation rock of our Redeemer and the gospel, they can be sanctuaries where your families can be sheltered from the raging storms of life” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1993, 88; or Ensign, May 1993, 71).

"a bit of heaven"

President Thomas S. Monson of the First Presidency:
“If we really try, our home can be a bit of heaven here on earth. The thoughts we think, the deeds we do, the lives we live influence not only the success of our earthly journey; they mark the way to our eternal goals” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1988, 80–81; or Ensign, Nov. 1988, 69).

Several ideas for strengthening your family

1. Have regular dates. If you are married, make time for regular fun-time with your partner. A strong marriage can add strength to the family. Some families also have regular date nights with their children. Regardless of your family circumstance, make time for the important relationships in your life.

2. Hold regular family meetings. Family meetings help us give proper attention to our family. They provide a forum of discussion for family issues, and an opportunity to plan for family time. Family meetings help us to be proactive instead of reactive.

3. Make a point to express your appreciation more often. Leave thank-you notes around the house. Incorporate an appreciation ritual into your family meeting. Celebrate special achievements of family members. Make a list of 101 things for which your family can be grateful.

4. Make a plan for effectively dealing with conflict before you have conflict. Don't wait until the heat is on and tempers are high to decide how to best resolve a disagreement. Plan ahead and then, when needed, put your plan into action.

5. Explore you family history. Trace your family lines. Find out about roots and share the lessons of life from heroes in your family line. Find out what your ancestors stood for. Family history is a wonderful activity for all ages.

6. Keep a family journal or scrap book of significant family events and achievements. Remembering the good times can give us strength to endure the tough times.

7. Celebrate! Recognize the achievements of family members. Remember significant anniversaries with parties or family rituals. Make time to bask in the joyful moments of life.

Additional Resources:

Fantastic Families: 6 Proven Steps to Building a Strong Family
by Nick Stinnett, Joe Beam, and Alice Beam

The Intentional Family: Simple Rituals to Strengthen Family Ties
by William J. Doherty

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families
by Stephen R. Covey

To read the entire article go to the following link

http://www.arfamilies.org/family_life/family/characteristics_strong_families.htm

"their fears will subside"

"As we look into the eyes of our children and grandchildren, we see the doubt and fear of our times. Wherever these precious ones go in the world, they hear about unemployment, poverty, war, immorality, and crime. They wonder, 'How can we cope with these problems?'

To find answers, they look back into our eyes and listen to our words. Do they hear us speaking faithfully and hopefully, despite the tribulations of our times?

They need to see us continuing to pray and study the scriptures together, to hold family home evening and family councils, to serve faithfully in our Church callings, to attend the temple regularly, and to be obedient to our covenants. When they see our steadfastness in keeping the commandments, their fears will subside and their confidence in the Lord will increase."

Elder Robert D. Hales
Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

To read the entire article go to the following link

http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=f318118dd536c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=0b3dee9ba42fe010VgnVCM100000176f620a____&hideNav=1

"I feel like a millionaire”

"A man seemed to have lost everything in a disastrous flood. He wept, not for the loss of his worldly goods, but because he could not locate his beloved wife and four children. There was a very real possibility that they had drowned. Soon the word came that they were alive and waiting for him at a nearby emergency facility. What a joyous moment when that family was brought together again! As they rejoiced, the man said, 'I have my family again, and although I stand without one earthly possession left to my name, I feel like a millionaire'” (quoted by Robert L. Simpson, in Conference Report, Oct. 1980, 11–12; or Ensign, Nov. 1980, 11).

To read the entire article go to the following link
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=cf755f74db46c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=773097a7c1d20110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&hideNav=1&contentLocale=0

Celebrating Your Family Identity

Not surprisingly, a strong family identity...helps children develop a strong and healthy self-identity. Knowing what makes their family unique — traditions, values, ways of relating to one another — gives children a clear starting point for discovering their own place in the world. Studies even show that kids who identify with their family's values tend to be less promiscuous and face less risk of drug and alcohol abuse.

Perhaps you're wondering, How can we build a strong family identity? Here are three principles to get you started.

Your presence matters. Children regard your presence as a sign of care and connectedness. Families who eat meals together, play together and build traditions together thrive. Does your family eat together at least four times a week? If so, there is a greater chance your kids will perform better in school and be less likely to exhibit negative behavior.

Although it may seem trite, a family that plays together, stays together. I'm not talking about just cheering on your kids at soccer games or dance recitals but actually playing together. One family I know has a pingpong tournament each week. The winner doesn't have to do the dishes for a day. Our family had a Fun Day once a month. One of the girls picked an activity, and the rest of the family participated.

Celebrate everything. Don't miss a single chance to celebrate your family. You can celebrate rites of passage and other events such as Little League victories and graduations — from any grade.

On birthdays, we go out to dinner then play a game called Affirmation Bombardment, in which each family member shares three words of encouragement for the birthday person.

Talk about faith. Spiritual topics don't always come naturally for families. Discussions about God, however, can help build family identity. They also help kids have strong convictions as they get older.

Maybe you have some anxiety about starting a faith conversation with your children. Remember, your talk doesn't have to be forced or lengthy; it can be simple, short and spontaneous. Let the discussion be as natural as possible. Getting preachy with your children can be just as unhelpful as avoiding the topic of faith.

One way to create opportunities to share your faith with your kids is to pray with them every day and do a weekly family devotional, even if only for five minutes. When your children are exposed to God's truth in small amounts, it can, as a friend of mine says, "help them develop a sweet tooth for Jesus."

...At some point, storms will come to every family. But when you proactively build a strong family identity on the rock of (Faith) Christ, your family can withstand whatever winds and rains come your way. A strong family identity will give your kids a solid foundation to cling to during those difficult times.

To read the entire article go to the following link
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/relating/celebrating_your_family_identity.aspx

Keeping Families Strong

Research shows that six Protective Factors are crucial in order for parents to keep their families strong:

1. Parental Resilience (Being strong and flexible)

2. Social Connections (Parents need friends)

3. Knowledge of Parenting and Child Development (Being a great parent is part natural and part learned)

4. Concrete Support in Times of Need (We all need help sometimes)

5. Social and Emotional Competence of Children (Parents need to help their children communicate)

6. Healthy Parent Child Relationships (Give your children the love and respect they need)

To read more of this article go to the following link http://www.strengtheningfamiliesillinois.org/

What Makes Families Strong?

Relationship to building strong families
Families are crucial in the development of human competence and character. Recent research tells us that the family's influence is even greater than we have imagined. Families play a major role in how well children do in school, how well they perform on the job as adults and how well they contribute to society in general. Families have the first and foremost influence on our development.

Research findings
Research indicates that many problems of individuals and society are related to dysfunctional family relationships. For instance, early teen sexual acting out, youth suicide, teen pregnancy, runaways, substance abuse, childhood and adolescent depression, child abuse and neglect, family violence, and civil unrest are known to be aggravated by problems in the family.

What makes families strong? Researchers have worked hard to answer this question and agree that strong, healthy families have nine traits in common (Krysan, Moore, & Zill, 1990). These traits have been found in families of different types, races, social backgrounds, nationalities, and religious beliefs.

The nine traits are:

• caring and appreciation
• time together
• encouragement
• commitment
• communication
• cope with change
• spirituality
• community and family ties
• clear roles

For the full article and resources go to the following link
http://extension.missouri.edu/bsf/strengths/index.htm

Kids and Self-Esteem

To read the entire article and find resources got to the following link: http://extension.missouri.edu/bsf/selfesteem/index.htm

A sense of self-worth is critical for developing resiliency, adaptability and an “I can do it!” attitude that helps us learn, grow, and cope with life’s frustrations and inevitable problems. Strong parenting provides “roots” and “wings.” Children need to feel safe, secure, loved, and part of a family. This foundation provides roots from which the child can develop wings to explore the world. The child’s first adventures experiencing the world are safe, small steps. As children get older, their attempts become bolder, and they gain a sense of who they are in relationship to their environment.

Parents are an essential part of their child’s environment. Children see themselves like a branch on a tree. The parents are the trunk that provides stability and security. If the child thinks something is wrong with the trunk, he or she will automatically think something is wrong with the branch. Therefore, in order to foster caring, responsible and strong children, adults need to have a positive view of themselves (self-concept) and serve as role models for their children.

Self-awareness is another key part of a child’s development. Self-awareness is how much we know about ourselves, our beliefs about who we are, and what we think our capabilities are. As a child’s sense of self develops, so does the child’s ability to blossom in school and with peers.

This is why the parent’s ability to provide wings is so important. In order to succeed, children need to gain confidence in their abilities and gain a sense that they can do things on their own. The precious time between birth and maturity gives parents many opportunities to balance roots and wings.

If a family is to remain “strong,” members need adequate time to nurture and support a healthy self-concept (or image) in each other. Parents can lead the way in providing experiences that enhance their children’s view of themselves. This module focuses on ways parents can build self-esteem in their children and themselves in order to improve the quality of their lives and strengthen family relationships.

Fostering healthy self-esteem and a positive self-concept among family members can make a real difference in how members view themselves and their ability to succeed in life. Research shows that parents who guide the development of resiliency factors in their children can help them learn to adapt and protect them from such destructive behaviors as drug abuse, underage drinking, and teen pregnancy.
Research findings
Many researchers have been able to identify “risk factors” that hinder healthy self-esteem development in children. Risk factors are things within the child, family, or community that put children in danger of experiencing things that hurt them or damage their ability to feel good about themselves and their abilities. Knowing the risk factors can help parents protect their children.

Competencies that make children less vulnerable to those risk factors are equally important for parents to know. Resilience, “the ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or sustained life stress” (Werner, 1984, p. 68), has enabled children to succeed in school, avoid drug abuse, and develop a healthy self-concept. Werner notes resilient children can adapt more easily to change and have the following characteristics:

Social Competence - responsiveness, flexibility, empathy and caring, communication skills, a sense of humor (including being able to laugh at themselves), and any other behavior that increases their ability to get along with others. This helps the child establish and maintain positive relationships within and outside the family. For example, by having skills that make him likable, your son will learn that he is a likable person.

Problem Solving Skills - abstract thinking, reflectivity, flexibility, and the ability to try alternative solutions in both cognitive and social problem situations. Children who are able to solve everyday puzzles by trying something new or different generally do better in school. These skills can be seen in young children and older children who avoid drug use. Children who are strong in this skill keep their parents on their toes because “where there’s a will there’s a way.” They like to question and try different ways to do things.

Autonomy - self-awareness, sense of identity, ability to act independently, and ability to exert control over the external environment. If you have ever heard a 3-year-old say, “I can do it myself!” you have experienced a child experimenting with autonomy. This sense of knowing they can make it on their own and knowing what type of person they are will help them be successful in life.

For children in dysfunctional environments, such as families with alcoholism, drug abuse, or mental illness, autonomy also means the ability to distance themselves in an adaptive way from the dysfunction in the family. Resilient children in these types of families are able to adapt and see themselves as a healthy branch even though something may be wrong with the trunk.

Sense of Purpose - sense of purpose in life, “healthy expectancies, goal directedness, success orientation, achievement, motivation, educational aspiration, persistence, hopefulness, hardiness, belief in a bright future, a sense of anticipation, a sense of a compelling future, and a sense of coherence”.

This sense of a goal or target for their future enables children to delay gratification (or put off something that they want today so they can have something better tomorrow), avoid drugs and teen pregnancies in order to ensure a successful and pleasant future. A belief that they are going to do something and be someone in the future is an essential element in self-esteem, identity, and self-awareness.

The good news is that resiliency factors can be taught, modeled, and encouraged by families, schools, and communities. Resiliency in children is nourished if the family environment is caring and supportive, if there is a high parental expectation for a child’s success, and if the child’s participation in family activities is encouraged. School and community environments can foster an atmosphere of adaptablity and resiliency in children:

· when the atmosphere of the school and community is caring and supportive; · when teachers and community members have high expectations for the children’s performance; · when opportunities for children to become involved and participate in a meaningful way are provided; · when children are give responsibilities.

Building resiliency in children and adults is a healthy human developmental process. Families with resilient members are strong families because they weather life’s difficulties and take care of each other’s emotional needs.

Goals and objectives

• To understand causes of low self-esteem and lack of self-awareness;

• To identify and discuss ways to create resilient family members with healthy self images;
• To develop goals for achieving healthy self-esteem and self-awareness in themselves and their children;
• To identify strategies for developing resiliency factors within the family.

To read the entire article and find resources got to the following link: http://extension.missouri.edu/bsf/selfesteem/index.htm

Promises of Family Home Evenings

"We advise and urge the inauguration of a 'Home Evening' throughout the church, at which time fathers and mothers may gather their boys and girls about them in the home and teach them the word of the Lord. . . . 'Home Evening' should be devoted to prayer, singing hymns, songs, instrumental music, scripture-reading, family topics and specific instruction on the principles of the gospel, and on the ethical problems of life, as well as the duties and obligations of children to parents, the home, the Church, society and the nation. For the smaller children appropriate recitations, songs, stories and games may be introduced. Light refreshments of such a nature as may be largely prepared in the home might be served."

"If the Saints obey this counsel, we promise that great blessings will result. Love at home and obedience to parents will increase. Faith will be developed in the hearts of the youth of Israel, and they will gain power to combat the evil influence and temptations which beset them."

(First Presidency letter, 27 April 1915 — Joseph F. Smith, Anthon H. Lund, Charles W. Penrose)

Being Loving and Nurturing (LDS perspective)

Nurturing children with unconditional love is of utmost importance. President Gordon B. Hinckley (1997) admonished parents:

"Never forget that these little ones are the sons and daughters of God. . . . Love them, take care of them. Fathers, control your tempers. . . . Mothers, control your voices. . . . Rear your children in love, in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Take care of your little ones. Welcome them into your homes, and nurture and love them with all of your hearts" (p. 422).

Every child is entitled to grow up in an atmosphere of warmth, love, security, and companionship (Hinckley, 1997). Paul's counsel to the Ephesians still rings with wisdom for parents today: "Provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4).

As an apostle, Elder Hinckley (1978) said: "How fortunate, how blessed is the child who feels the affection of his parents. That warmth, that love will bear sweet fruit in the years that follow" (p. 18).

The expression of affection at home protects children as they seek love and acceptance outside the home, where some sources of love may be unhealthy. Elder Marlin K. Jensen (1999) taught, "If our children feel friendship within the family, with each other, and with parents, they will not be desperate for acceptance outside the family" (p. 64).

President Hinckley (1995) also has said: "I have tremendous respect for fathers and mothers who are nurturing their children in light and truth . . . who spare the rod and govern with love, who look upon their little ones as their most valued assets to be protected, trained, and blessed" (p. 70).

For more information about this article please visit the following web site
http://www.foreverfamilies.net/xml/articles/being_loving_nurturing.aspx?&publication=lds

Being Loving and Nurturing

The Family: A Proclamation to the World  states: "Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness."http://www.lds.org/library/display/0,4945,161-1-11-1,FF.html

It's no accident that the Proclamation lists "love" first among parenting duties-nurturing love is the most important characteristic of good parenting. It's so important that researchers sometimes call it the "super-factor" of parenting. Good nurturing makes children feel loved and cherished, and researchers have found that without that feeling, there's little else parents can do to make up for it.

Urie Bronfenbrenner, a renowned expert on child development, says every child needs parents who are crazy about him or her-an "irrational relationship." Children are wired to "fall in love" with their parents, and they deserve parents who fall in love back.

Beyond the obvious benefits of nurturing love, research shows that loving and nurturing parenting is linked to better child behavior at all ages. Nurturing parents build strong bonds with their children, providing them with a sense of security that helps them grow into confident and loving people.

How can you be a more loving and nurturing parent? Here are some ideas:

§         Learn your child's love language. Each person feels love in a different way. A wise parent carefully studies how a child likes to receive love, and then sends love in that way often. Without this care, actions that a parent might think are loving can be perceived as unloving. For example, one mother came home from a long day at work, met her little boy at the front door, ruffled his hair, told him "I love you!" and walked to her room. He followed her and replied, "Mommy, I don't want you to love me, I want you to play catch with me!"

In another example, a father invited his teenaged son to hunt big game in Montana. The father thought the expedition together would be a great way to spend time with his son and show his love. But what the son really wanted from his father was less dramatic - he just wanted his dad to go with him occasionally to a nearby reservoir and watch the ducks take off.

How can parents learn their child's love language? One way, according to parent educator Wally Goddard at the University of Arkansas, is simply to notice ways you've already shown love that your child asks for more of. One father says his children love their outings with him one at a time. They frequently ask, "When are we going on our one-on-one?" His youngest daughter is emphatic about wanting to go swimming for their time together. By honoring her request, he shows his love for her in one of the ways she can best receive it.

You can also learn about your child's love language by noticing how she or he shows love, according to Goddard. Children often show love in the way they like to receive it. Or you might try recalling when you felt especially loved by someone and identify what that person did, then treat your child similarly.

You can also take the direct approach-ask your children what you do or say that helps them feel loved. Answers might include hugs, bedtime stories, one-on-one outings, midnight pancakes and conversation, playing a game together, or a special gift.

§        Have I told you lately… Keep a record of your loving actions toward your child. Write his or her name at the top of a 3x5 card, then write the following questions and answer them:

      
      What have I done lately that really helped Katy feel loved?

      
      How does Katy prefer to receive messages of love?

What are some different ways I can send messages that communicate love to Katy in ways she can best feel it?

      
       What will I do this week to show Katy my love?

§         Speak kindly to your children. Compliment their good behavior. Say "please" and "thank you." Don't say anything demeaning or sarcastic. Even good-humored sarcasm is easily misunderstood by children and can result in unintended hurt feelings. Instead of saying "Can't you leave the dog alone?" say, "Please leave the dog alone." Instead of saying, "Will you get out of my way?" say, "Excuse me, I need to get by."

 

§         Express appreciation. Tell your children how much you appreciate them. Draw attention to their talents and good behaviors: "The table looks great! Thank you for setting it so nicely." Or "I can always count on you to help me out. Thanks."

§         Write love notes. Write short notes of love and encouragement. Slip them into your children's lunchboxes or backpacks. Examples include:

      Thanks for helping your sister clean up her room.

      That was a good idea you had for our family vacation.

      You're special to me.

Will you come with me to the store when you get home from school? I enjoy having you with me.

§         Remember the power of touch. Don't hesitate to give your child a loving hug, comforting hand-squeeze, or congratulatory pat on the back.

§         Be a friend. Spend time playing with your children and doing things with them that they enjoy. If you need to, schedule time with your children in your planner: "8 pm: Read stories with Rachel," "2 pm: Go biking with John."

§         Declare a love week. Have everyone in your family write down (or draw) what makes them feel loved. Maybe your first-grader feels loved when you read to him. Maybe your teenage daughter feels loved when you go with her to the library. Post the ideas in the house where everyone will see them. Then, every day for the next week, encourage each family member to do something for another family member that helps them feel loved. Even very small efforts can yield big results.

For more information about this article please visit the following web site

http://www.foreverfamilies.net/xml/articles/being_loving_nurturing.aspx?&publication=short

Homes are more permanent through love

"Homes are more permanent through love. Oh, then, let love abound. Though you fall short in some material matters, study and work and pray to hold your children’s love. Establish and maintain your family hours always. Stay close to your children. Pray, play, work, and worship together."(President David O. McKay, 1968)

How do you protect your children from the worlds influences?

In these days it's becoming more difficult to help our families to be strong and loving. So many families are breaking up. So many children are lost. There is so much hatred and sorrow in the world and it's creeping into the home and family.

What can you do to make a difference in your families life? How can you help them? How do you protect your children from the worlds influences?

We are Latter Day Saints. To help build our family strong once a week our family has Family Home Evening, . "Family home evening is a special time set aside each week that brings family members together and strengthens their love for each other, helps them draw closer to Heavenly Father, and encourages them to live righteously." http://www.lds.org/hf/fhe/welcome/0,16785,4210-1,00.html

For an easy to follow Family Home Evening Planner/Template go to the following web site. This web site will also give you some great ideas for your family home evenings. http://www.lds.org/hf/fhe/planner/0,16809,4234-1,00.html

The Family: A Proclamation to the World

The First Presidency and Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
© 1995, 2008 by Intellectual Reserve, Inc. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. English approval: 5/08. 35602

We, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.

All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.

In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshiped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life. The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.

The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.

We declare the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God’s eternal plan.

Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.

The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.

We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.

We call upon responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.

This proclamation was read by President Gordon B. Hinckley as part of his message at the General Relief Society Meeting held September 23, 1995, in Salt Lake City, Utah.

To view this article go to the following web site

http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=e1fa5f74db46c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=1aba862384d20110VgnVCM100000176f620a____