Successful Families Patterns

The importance of strong families and the impact they have on the quality of life in communities and the nation are becoming more obvious every day. The home sets up a pattern that spills over into all other aspects of our society.

There are things you can do to help strengthen your family and to help promote the personal growth of each family member.

Dr. Nick Stinnet, expert in family life who retired from the University of Nebraska, identified characteristics of successful families in his Family Strengths Research Project. The patterns found to be important included mutual appreciation, quality time, effective communication, commitment, and religious orientation.

Appreciation

Strong families appreciate the uniqueness and contributions of each family member--expressing feelings of appreciation in words and actions. Family members tell each other they are special. In the hurry of daily responsibilities, we often forget the importance of letting people know how much they are appreciated. It's so easy to take each other for granted, especially in families.

A teen sharing what she liked most about her parents said, "I like it when they do something special just for me. It's not my birthday or a special occasion but a time when it's unexpected. It's really a surprise and makes me feel so special." The need to be appreciated is a basic human need.

Think of what you can do to express appreciation for each member of your family. A special note or letter is one approach. A "date" with your son, daughter, or spouse also sends, in a special way, the message that you care.

A gift "selected to match" a loved one is another way to say "You're special." Remember, "It's not the biggest things with all their pomp and show, it's the little special things you do that help people grow."

Quality Time

Strong families spend a lot of positive time together in work and play and enjoy being together.

Activity overload is a major family challenge of our day. There are so many things to do and so little time to do them all.

Dr. Stinnett reported: "Our study found that strong families intentionally cut down on the number of outside activities and involvements in order to minimize fragmentation of their family life."

Special time with the family or family members doesn't come easily. You must take the time or you can end up with only leftover time--a time you are tired, irritable, cranky, or exhausted. You need to schedule time for your family when you are fresh and have something positive to share. The ability to enjoy your family, with humor and playfulness, comes more easily to some than to others. Some parents find it hard to leave a carpet unvacuumed or a messy desk at the office in order to relax and enjoy each other or their children. They feel it blackens their characters not to be above reproach at the office or not being a perfect housekeeper.

Yet, time taken to spend happily with your family pays much bigger dividends than housekeeping tasks. The desk and the carpet will be cluttered many more times but the moments to enjoy your family are never the same again.

In our hectic paces of living, it is so easy to put things off and to say that one of these days we will do it. And it never happens. One of these days often means none of these days.

If you want to build a stronger family unit, you must take some quality time when you have the energy, the inner peace, and the patience to give your best. You need to incorporate into busy schedules special times to share fun, special, and uplifting kinds of activities.

Effective Communication

"The greatest gift I can receive from anyone is to be seen by them, to be heard by them, to be understood by them, and to be touched by them." This quote by Virginia Satir expresses the keys to good communications in families.

How wonderful it is to have someone see your side of things and to really understand how you feel. However, if we're not careful the needs and pressures of the moment often block this type of understanding.

"He Looked Beyond My Faults and Saw My Needs" is a song that contains an important key for improving communications and strengthening relationships. Families that are strong have developed an ability to look beyond each others' faults and to see their needs. Family members don't do this every time, but they consistently put forth an effort to hear what the person is saying and feeling.

Strong families have quarrels and don't always agree, but they have the confidence to get things out into the open and to talk about them. Solutions that consider each person's needs are discussed and, hopefully, implemented.

Providing opportunities for all family members to share their concerns is important. A good practice is a family council, scheduled regularly, where individual and family concerns are shared with an open discussion of issues and possible solutions.

Touch is an important aspect of communications in families. A hug or squeeze, an embrace, a touch of the hand can communicate in many ways when words seem empty.

The next time things get tense and everyone is trying to speak simultaneously, pause for a moment. Try to put yourself in the other person's place and hear what is being said and try to experience what the other is feeling. Realization that someone understands and cares eases a lot of tension and goes a long way in building strong families.

Commitment

Commitment is a positive quality that constantly appears in strong families. They share the kinds of experiences that make the family more attractive than other groups. Strong families are committed to helping and promoting the happiness of each other.

Commitment also comes from an active involvement in setting family goals. Each person has a chance to share what he/she thinks is important. This kind of involvement brings with it a commitment to see that the goals are met.

Teenagers are more willing to go along with a family vacation if they have some say on where and what is planned. This holds true in other areas. You need to take the time to make an effort to get input from each member of the family involved in a planned trip. When you do this, you are saying "You are important and what you have to say counts." This process takes time and some flexibility but the benefits are worth the efforts. Commitment is a vital factor in developing a sense of unity among family members.

Religious Orientation

The families in Dr. Stinnett's study share a high degree of religious orientation. In addition to attending church as a family, they often pray together and read the Bible and other inspirational books. They share a set of common values.

In their daily activities, they apply the Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." They share the belief that there is a Supreme Being that is a guiding force.

Families that have developed these five characteristics discussed are better able to meet the challenges of today. The unity they have developed makes it possible for them to draw upon the resources of each other as they are needed. They become a strength to one another.

To read this entire article go to the following link: http://www.thefunplace.com/guild/strength.html

Spending Time Together

Time is one of the most valuable quantities that we have, so we should use it wisely with the ones that we love. You don't need to spend tons of money to show your family that you love them. They will know by the way you treat them and the time that you spend with them.

Here are some inexpensive activities that you could do with your family;
1. Go for a walk
2. Go to a museum
3. Listen to live music or a lecture at a book store
4. Attend the local high school's musical
5. Fly a kite
6. Have a picnic
7. Go to the playground
8. Go to the library and pick a book on an activity that your children are interested in and do it together
9. Crafts
10. Play charades
11. Play a board game
12. Get a movie from the library and watch it together

Building Reservoirs

I believe there is nothing more important than your relationships with your family in this life. The more you value something/some one the more time you will spend with it/them. So if you value your family show them by spending time with them. Build a reservoir of memories for them and you. Give your family a legacy---spend the weekend with them doing something they like to do. Plan family vacations, take trips, go to the park, take walks...just spend time with them.

The most valuable quantity is time so where are you using yours?

Important Lord's Work

The most important of the Lord’s work you and I will ever do will be within the walls of our own homes.
President Harold B. Lee

Reasoning with Children

31106, Family Home Evening Resource Book, Building a Strong Family, Reasoning with Children, 244

Observe what happens when a father reasons with children—even when they aren't his own:

John's Concern

Two days before John was to return to his military assignment, a construction crew began digging a large hole in the empty lot north of his home. By the end of the day, a fifteen-foot hole lay ready for cement forms to be placed. Within minutes after the crew left, neighborhood children swarmed on the "diggings." Teenagers were running, and smaller children were climbing, as well as some preschool boys playing with a toy wheelbarrow. Among those little ones was John's four-year-old son, Jason. They were trying to dump a little gravel from the wheelbarrow into the large hole, but the earth beneath their feet was crumbling. Seeing this, John raced out on his balcony and yelled, "Get off that lot, you kids! What do you think you are doing?" The children all scattered, and John went down to bring the little ones away from the hole and into his backyard.

Within minutes after he returned to his house, John saw all the children swarming over the lot and dirt pile again. His little boy's friends were there. "A lot of good my yelling did," thought John. "Maybe I could reason with them so they see the danger in playing there." John walked outside and beckoned to the older children on the dirt pile. Some of the older ones hesitated, but John encouraged them with a wave of his hand. "Listen," he said. "I was kind of nutty to yell at all of you a minute ago. I guess in one way it is none of my business where you kids play. But my concern is that the little ones see you over here and they come over. If you fall, maybe you will break an arm or get bruised, but I'm worried about what might happen to the little ones if they fall. What happens if a lot of that dirt caves in on them? If you play on the hills, they play on the hills. Do you see any way we can work together to protect them?"

What is the difference between John's first approach and his second?

What was he teaching?

What do you predict will be the teenagers' response?

In the actual situation, the teenagers began policing the lot, kept the little children away, and even avoided the construction site themselves.

Do you reason with your children? or do you command them? Read the comparisons to help you evaluate whether your children understand why they should be obedient or if they are merely learning that you use power over them.

Reasoning	Commands and Demands
1. Are you teaching a principle?	1. Are you issuing orders?
2. Are you reasoning sensibly and calmly?	2. Are you blaming and accusing?
3. Are you exploring consequences?	3. Are you making decisions single-handedly?
4. Are you identifying wise alternatives?	4. Are you allowing only one possibility?
5. Are you sharing necessary information?	5. Are you demanding blind obedience?
6. Are you listening?	6. Are you doing all the talking?

It is important to remember that reasoning involves persuasion, long-suffering, and love unfeigned (see D&C 121:4146).

To read the entire article and get more helpful information go to the following link
http://www.lds.org/hf/library/0,16866,4256-1,00.html?LibraryURL=/Curriculum/home%20and%20family.htm/family%20home%20evening%20resource%20book.htm/building%20a%20strong%20family.htm/reasoning%20with%20children.htm

Perserving the Family

President Spencer W. Kimball, the 12th President of the Church:
“Many of the social restraints which in the past have helped to reinforce and to shore up the family are dissolving and disappearing. The time will come when only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1980, 3; or Ensign, Nov. 1980, 4).

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles:
“If you build your homes on the foundation rock of our Redeemer and the gospel, they can be sanctuaries where your families can be sheltered from the raging storms of life” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1993, 88; or Ensign, May 1993, 71).

"a bit of heaven"

President Thomas S. Monson of the First Presidency:
“If we really try, our home can be a bit of heaven here on earth. The thoughts we think, the deeds we do, the lives we live influence not only the success of our earthly journey; they mark the way to our eternal goals” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1988, 80–81; or Ensign, Nov. 1988, 69).